Disturbingly Normal !

Do not know where to begin except that I was feeling really low recently for a lot of reasons to be discussed here. I am not feeling great I was having intensified thoughts about really dark thoughts. It has been really more like a cycle to me. I do not feel like living, talking or doing anything. Everything done in my life is done due to the fact that its what should be done. Some would say just do what you want but the problem is I do not feel like I want anything absolutely nothing.

Every where I look I see something that could happen and then I would cease to exist. Even in the bathroom the picture of the tub and the dark red water filling it always comes to mind. Crossing the streets to the parking lot with the speeding cars that could come and leave and there would be a bloody body on the road, the thin razor while shaving, sitting in a locked running car in a closed space.

What would happen? Nothing.

I wonder if it is worth it? I do not know but the problem is that these thoughts have become normal in my head, disturbingly normal. I am dealing with them like anyone would deal with the need to go to the loo or have a smoke. Am I slipping? May be but again even if I am, Who the fuck Cares?

Home

Oh well Life has been shit, shit and more shit. Just got back, was in the UK visiting the family of course the trip got to me in every single and possible way. Mother just uses every single opportunity to get to me I managed to dodge most of her bullets notice most which means that some managed to get to me and settle right there in my heart right next to the old rusty wounds that healed while still infected and produces puss every once and a while. Nice picture huh.

Anyway I just missed London, the foggy streets, the smoky and crowded pubs, the rusty and broken accents of people just sitting on the bar and cracking time with their non stop completely useless conversation while eating crackers and bothering the freaking life out of the poor barman who just nodes whenever he can.
What I missed most is the beach, the sound of the small rocks on the beach while walking and sitting on the empty benches and watch the sea and the waves come and go. I remember the same sitting which I had before taking my decision to come back to Egypt. This place always is the first witness on the major decisions in my life.
It was a good change though away from my daily routine. I figured I would go during Ramadan but somehow my vacation balance and manager got me to take it a week earlier.
However upon returning to my empty apartment I felt a warm feeling in my heart. I am home, this apartment had been home for some time now. The feeling I could sit there and not talk or do anything or even play statue would not bother anyone. I do not have to be nice and social even polite. I can even play statue if I want like we used to do when we were kids.
I can be my old rough disgusting self.
This is what I missed about it, is that what home should be like?
Beats me

The Itch

I know I am guilty of not blogging for too long but things were too much in my life to verbalise them, so I preferred to have my mouth shut and just close the shell on myself to be well again.

But I am okay at least the best I could be for now.

Been having hard time getting good stuff lately since a lot of the stuff around is chemically effected. It causes a lot of damage to some people, been noticing that. A lot of people are getting side effects users should not be getting, It's newbies' signs. Something is definitely up.

I decided to check around and a lot of people seemed to share my opinion chemicals were different or somehow altered in the regular stuff.

Hence, good and clean stuff became scarce. Yes, I am a dealer and I should not care but re-accruing customers are the core of my business especially for someone who likes to keep a law profile such as myself.

For the very first time in a long time I hold the good stuff for myself and avoided providing unless I really had to. It was weird the sudden concern over the stuff got me like a mad man. The fact that I have to worry about the availability made me remember my early days and man did it affect me.

Back when you could not care less about the risks and go to places you know you could get pinched at.

Back, when you were hungry for the stuff.

It brought back a flood of memories I was more than glad that I have forgotten and it got to me. I remembered people from the old past, my very first friend who OD ed in front of me and nothing could be done to help him. People who sold me out and I sold out for dope. It reminded me of my old self, how bad things were. How drug dealers hold you by the balls and you had to act like you like it to get what you needed.

It reminded me of the itch that I lost and the sole reason for me to become a drug dealer but I never forgot as a user.

How thing never are okay and bearable without the stuff? How you feel no body understands? How everyone looks at you and just see nothing?

The mere shell we surround ourselves with. The decisions we take and how we have to live with them.

High As A Kite

Been feeling down lately without no apparent reason, you know when you feel you are out of the mood but you do not know what the hell for, that was Me. Was barely going through life just from and to work.

But last week heard that an old friend of mine is having a house party and he called me up and invited me said "We have not seen each other for ages". Which he was right about Have not seen this guy in almost three years so I dressed up went to the party and it was the typical house party. I mean the party thrower did not disappoint alcohol everywhere, couples or people who just met are making out in the corners or in plain sight they did not care. I sat there sipping my beer and though that I have been having my daily fix for quiet some time with the amount that keeps me looking sober and functioning for work related purposes I have not gotten wasted in a while I mean really got high in long time and remembered the feeling. Had a fix on me which I thought I would probably sell in the party but I took it and sat there and waited for the magic dragons to start flying and they did not disappoint in a matter of an hour with the drugs in my system and alcohol I am drinking I was wasted and high in a manner I was not in some time. 

I was seeing blurry people and hearing the noise and voices coming from afar. I felt like there is nothing that could make me happy and nothing could make me sad, I felt nothing I felt like I am standing over a fence of a twelve feet building and have a breeze on my face and seeing people from a far. It felt good to not be responsible for anything or anyone. Not how it looked, sounded, or felt. I could not care less and I was glad.

I slept right there on my friend's couch and woke up on the cleaning lady gathering the bottles from around me I got up had a splitting headache of course. Got out side got in a cab could not be bothered with driving right now will probably get my car later. I got into my apartment crashed on the bed and slept like a dead fish for 9 hours. 

It has been a while since I was kite high, been a while. 

The Newbie

Been seeing her for a while now and been around while she was slipping from one stage to the other, from a couple of joints occasionally to a regular daily three or four joint, then to moving to pills, then to alcohol and now to mixing everything together. 

She was always under the impression she is not a junkie she can stop whenever she feels like it and I let her live the illusion it made her feel happy so I have let her believe it. 

Now here she is sitting in my apartment feeling pissed the pills are not working fast enough and she does not feel wasted yet. Felling how the stuff is literally affecting her moods, her actions, her work, the lack or the availability of it controls her life. 

She was looking at me and I was looking at her in silence. I got up got some vodka and poured us both a drink she did not wait for me to mix her vodka cause she never liked the taste she took the shot and banged the glass on the table with the unasked question still in her eyes and yet both were silent. 

I liked her, not in a sexual sense of the way, not in the usual sense of the way I just liked her cause she was innocent even when she was doing hard core drugs and hallucinating and saying words that could make a bad mouthed guy blush, I knew she was not bad. 

She was just someone slipping and she was sitting there cause she knew that I would not use her not cause I am an angel but cause I did not feel like that about this one and do not ask me why I have used some girls for drugs before and probably will keep on doing it when there is nothing in it for me. 

I wanted to be there for her cause I know that her breaking point is coming and I wanted it to be for her in her instead in the street or in some bar who is filled with wasted guys who could not care less about her. 

She looked at me and asked for a mixed of pills that is guaranteed to send her to LaLa land I got up to the cabinet and brought her what she wanted. Re-filled her vodka shot and did not try to even mix it this time, she had the pills in one hand and the vodka in the other, she quickly sollowed them and looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked me the question I knew she would..

Her: "Hey Angel, I am junkie now right?"

I was silent for a while and could see she had tears in her eyes behind the glass door that never broke infront of me and never will.

Her: "Am I?"

Me: "Yes, F you are"

"Okay" that was the only answer I got from her, she fill back in her chair and just looked at me. and asked 

Her: "Can I crash in your place tonight?" 

Me: "Sure, I will make the couch for you."

Her: "No need, will handle it."

I headed for the door felt she needed to be alone I have been in her place long time ago, now she knows that she is hooked. She is now under the influence of the big monster that got us all. 

I felt bad and grossed from my self. I went to sleep thinking about her. Woke up the next day found the couch made, the money for the fix and a little "Thank you" note with her cracked up hand writing. I sat there starring at the note and felt numb, till now I do not know what to think or how to feel.

The Call

Yesterday decided to stay home smoking and doing absloutly nothing useful, listening to music and sitting idly tried to read, don't feel like it, tried to watch the tube not intersted, so here I am sitting doing nothing but smoking and sipping on some good old scotch.

Suddenly like in the movies, my cel. rang it was a ringtone I have not heard for a long time that I have almost forgotten that I have, that ringtone meant one thing, this was a long distance call cause the caller is Mummy Dearest.

I starred at the cel. for a while before I picked up after the cold hellos and how you doings and the whole nine yards, she was silent there was something off about her voice I know my mother we might have fallen apart but something grave has happened or about to.

I asked what was wrong and she said that her husband passed away. I was silent, noticed how I said husband cause that person is not my father he is my step father the man my mother decided to marry after my father passed and that we had a long history together that I am not particularly feeling like saying it at the moment.

She then said as I was silent:

Mother: Well, aren't you going to say anything?

Me: Like what?

Mother: Oh come on this man treated you like a son for 7 years and you have nothing to say when I tell you he is dead.

Me: That man never considered me as a son so let's just clear the crap,  as for his death I am sorry that you fee sad about him.

Mother: SORRY THAT I FEEL SAD ABOUT HIM!!!!!!!!! You sound like a God damn machine are you using again? You are.. right? I knew this stuff is going to ruin you eventually..

Me: Whatever Mother, let's not go there

Mother: This is a human being you lived with and you don't find it odd that you are not remotely sad he is gone.

Me: No, I don't.

At this point she was crying I could understand her pain and how she felt about him but that does not mean I have to weep for the bastard. Anyhow, she tried pulling herself together and went again.

Mother: So when are you coming?

Me: Coming where?

Mother: Coming where!!!!! Aren't you going to attend the  burial and the funeral service.

Me: No.

Mother:  I can not believe you I feel I do not have a son anymore...... etc

I could give you the entire details for the conversation that lasted 40 minutes but I guess you got how it goes. I do not feel bad that this person is gone no feelings what so ever wether good or bad. He was there now he is gone.

Rest in peace or Rot in Hell, nothing in it for me.

I know this post would sound cryptic to most but had to say it out loud. May be someday I would say the entire story may be not.  Anyhow, Off I go.

Me Vs. The Dealer

Okay, Been standing in the smoking room minding me own business when I noticed one of my female regulars keeps on going back and forth between her desk and the smoking room without entering the smoking room itself meaning she is either checking on someone there or just have a habit of walking this two minute walk everyday for four times in a row, if i were a betting man I would bet she is checking on me since I am the only one there. Okay I finished my smoke went to the office and before I even hang on my jacket there was a knock on my door I turned around expecting to see my colleague let's for the sake of the argument call her R.

She entered said her casual good mornings, how is it goings, how did this go and how did that go? Enough small talk. She slowly fell silent so I turned and look at her and waited.

here is the conversation that took place while she was starring at an invisible spot I am pretty sure I did not have on my carpet:

R: Hey, listen I was wondering if you have some stash on you? You know the one you gave me last time?

Me: Sure, you know I am always ready, how much you need?

R: You see there is a slight problem I do not have the money on me just yet but I promise I would get it to you soon and you know me i a.....

Me: "I looked at her in silence and said": Listen R, you know I really like you but this is a business and I go through a lot of risk in doing this to do it for free if you catch me drift.

R: Yes I know but I promise, I will..

Me: No R sorry No Money, No Honey.

R: Please I really really need this I am going through shit you could not believe and without this I do not know if I could pull it through

I looked at her and I could see how hard it is for her to do this, I know the cracked voice, the inability to look to your talker in the eye, the tension in your hands, the trembled fingers but nothing I could do if it went around I am giving out stash for free I would go out of business which I need not to mention will probably be caught and in prison the last thing they care about is cracked voice and trembling hands I believe its even considered a plus there.

I looked at her and saw she is still waiting for me reply but I stoned my face and harshly summered my answer in one word.

"NO"

She said okay and quietly left and left me thinking about the duality inside, back in the days when I was not who I am now I would never turn someone away when I had what he needed but not anymore I changed I am not the person I used to be I believe the dealer in me is WINNING and I am not very proud of it.