The Newbie

Been seeing her for a while now and been around while she was slipping from one stage to the other, from a couple of joints occasionally to a regular daily three or four joint, then to moving to pills, then to alcohol and now to mixing everything together. 

She was always under the impression she is not a junkie she can stop whenever she feels like it and I let her live the illusion it made her feel happy so I have let her believe it. 

Now here she is sitting in my apartment feeling pissed the pills are not working fast enough and she does not feel wasted yet. Felling how the stuff is literally affecting her moods, her actions, her work, the lack or the availability of it controls her life. 

She was looking at me and I was looking at her in silence. I got up got some vodka and poured us both a drink she did not wait for me to mix her vodka cause she never liked the taste she took the shot and banged the glass on the table with the unasked question still in her eyes and yet both were silent. 

I liked her, not in a sexual sense of the way, not in the usual sense of the way I just liked her cause she was innocent even when she was doing hard core drugs and hallucinating and saying words that could make a bad mouthed guy blush, I knew she was not bad. 

She was just someone slipping and she was sitting there cause she knew that I would not use her not cause I am an angel but cause I did not feel like that about this one and do not ask me why I have used some girls for drugs before and probably will keep on doing it when there is nothing in it for me. 

I wanted to be there for her cause I know that her breaking point is coming and I wanted it to be for her in her instead in the street or in some bar who is filled with wasted guys who could not care less about her. 

She looked at me and asked for a mixed of pills that is guaranteed to send her to LaLa land I got up to the cabinet and brought her what she wanted. Re-filled her vodka shot and did not try to even mix it this time, she had the pills in one hand and the vodka in the other, she quickly sollowed them and looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked me the question I knew she would..

Her: "Hey Angel, I am junkie now right?"

I was silent for a while and could see she had tears in her eyes behind the glass door that never broke infront of me and never will.

Her: "Am I?"

Me: "Yes, F you are"

"Okay" that was the only answer I got from her, she fill back in her chair and just looked at me. and asked 

Her: "Can I crash in your place tonight?" 

Me: "Sure, I will make the couch for you."

Her: "No need, will handle it."

I headed for the door felt she needed to be alone I have been in her place long time ago, now she knows that she is hooked. She is now under the influence of the big monster that got us all. 

I felt bad and grossed from my self. I went to sleep thinking about her. Woke up the next day found the couch made, the money for the fix and a little "Thank you" note with her cracked up hand writing. I sat there starring at the note and felt numb, till now I do not know what to think or how to feel.

The Call

Yesterday decided to stay home smoking and doing absloutly nothing useful, listening to music and sitting idly tried to read, don't feel like it, tried to watch the tube not intersted, so here I am sitting doing nothing but smoking and sipping on some good old scotch.

Suddenly like in the movies, my cel. rang it was a ringtone I have not heard for a long time that I have almost forgotten that I have, that ringtone meant one thing, this was a long distance call cause the caller is Mummy Dearest.

I starred at the cel. for a while before I picked up after the cold hellos and how you doings and the whole nine yards, she was silent there was something off about her voice I know my mother we might have fallen apart but something grave has happened or about to.

I asked what was wrong and she said that her husband passed away. I was silent, noticed how I said husband cause that person is not my father he is my step father the man my mother decided to marry after my father passed and that we had a long history together that I am not particularly feeling like saying it at the moment.

She then said as I was silent:

Mother: Well, aren't you going to say anything?

Me: Like what?

Mother: Oh come on this man treated you like a son for 7 years and you have nothing to say when I tell you he is dead.

Me: That man never considered me as a son so let's just clear the crap,  as for his death I am sorry that you fee sad about him.

Mother: SORRY THAT I FEEL SAD ABOUT HIM!!!!!!!!! You sound like a God damn machine are you using again? You are.. right? I knew this stuff is going to ruin you eventually..

Me: Whatever Mother, let's not go there

Mother: This is a human being you lived with and you don't find it odd that you are not remotely sad he is gone.

Me: No, I don't.

At this point she was crying I could understand her pain and how she felt about him but that does not mean I have to weep for the bastard. Anyhow, she tried pulling herself together and went again.

Mother: So when are you coming?

Me: Coming where?

Mother: Coming where!!!!! Aren't you going to attend the  burial and the funeral service.

Me: No.

Mother:  I can not believe you I feel I do not have a son anymore...... etc

I could give you the entire details for the conversation that lasted 40 minutes but I guess you got how it goes. I do not feel bad that this person is gone no feelings what so ever wether good or bad. He was there now he is gone.

Rest in peace or Rot in Hell, nothing in it for me.

I know this post would sound cryptic to most but had to say it out loud. May be someday I would say the entire story may be not.  Anyhow, Off I go.

Me Vs. The Dealer

Okay, Been standing in the smoking room minding me own business when I noticed one of my female regulars keeps on going back and forth between her desk and the smoking room without entering the smoking room itself meaning she is either checking on someone there or just have a habit of walking this two minute walk everyday for four times in a row, if i were a betting man I would bet she is checking on me since I am the only one there. Okay I finished my smoke went to the office and before I even hang on my jacket there was a knock on my door I turned around expecting to see my colleague let's for the sake of the argument call her R.

She entered said her casual good mornings, how is it goings, how did this go and how did that go? Enough small talk. She slowly fell silent so I turned and look at her and waited.

here is the conversation that took place while she was starring at an invisible spot I am pretty sure I did not have on my carpet:

R: Hey, listen I was wondering if you have some stash on you? You know the one you gave me last time?

Me: Sure, you know I am always ready, how much you need?

R: You see there is a slight problem I do not have the money on me just yet but I promise I would get it to you soon and you know me i a.....

Me: "I looked at her in silence and said": Listen R, you know I really like you but this is a business and I go through a lot of risk in doing this to do it for free if you catch me drift.

R: Yes I know but I promise, I will..

Me: No R sorry No Money, No Honey.

R: Please I really really need this I am going through shit you could not believe and without this I do not know if I could pull it through

I looked at her and I could see how hard it is for her to do this, I know the cracked voice, the inability to look to your talker in the eye, the tension in your hands, the trembled fingers but nothing I could do if it went around I am giving out stash for free I would go out of business which I need not to mention will probably be caught and in prison the last thing they care about is cracked voice and trembling hands I believe its even considered a plus there.

I looked at her and saw she is still waiting for me reply but I stoned my face and harshly summered my answer in one word.

"NO"

She said okay and quietly left and left me thinking about the duality inside, back in the days when I was not who I am now I would never turn someone away when I had what he needed but not anymore I changed I am not the person I used to be I believe the dealer in me is WINNING and I am not very proud of it.

Peeps in my Crowd