The Itch

I know I am guilty of not blogging for too long but things were too much in my life to verbalise them, so I preferred to have my mouth shut and just close the shell on myself to be well again.

But I am okay at least the best I could be for now.

Been having hard time getting good stuff lately since a lot of the stuff around is chemically effected. It causes a lot of damage to some people, been noticing that. A lot of people are getting side effects users should not be getting, It's newbies' signs. Something is definitely up.

I decided to check around and a lot of people seemed to share my opinion chemicals were different or somehow altered in the regular stuff.

Hence, good and clean stuff became scarce. Yes, I am a dealer and I should not care but re-accruing customers are the core of my business especially for someone who likes to keep a law profile such as myself.

For the very first time in a long time I hold the good stuff for myself and avoided providing unless I really had to. It was weird the sudden concern over the stuff got me like a mad man. The fact that I have to worry about the availability made me remember my early days and man did it affect me.

Back when you could not care less about the risks and go to places you know you could get pinched at.

Back, when you were hungry for the stuff.

It brought back a flood of memories I was more than glad that I have forgotten and it got to me. I remembered people from the old past, my very first friend who OD ed in front of me and nothing could be done to help him. People who sold me out and I sold out for dope. It reminded me of my old self, how bad things were. How drug dealers hold you by the balls and you had to act like you like it to get what you needed.

It reminded me of the itch that I lost and the sole reason for me to become a drug dealer but I never forgot as a user.

How thing never are okay and bearable without the stuff? How you feel no body understands? How everyone looks at you and just see nothing?

The mere shell we surround ourselves with. The decisions we take and how we have to live with them.

Me Vs. The Dealer

Okay, Been standing in the smoking room minding me own business when I noticed one of my female regulars keeps on going back and forth between her desk and the smoking room without entering the smoking room itself meaning she is either checking on someone there or just have a habit of walking this two minute walk everyday for four times in a row, if i were a betting man I would bet she is checking on me since I am the only one there. Okay I finished my smoke went to the office and before I even hang on my jacket there was a knock on my door I turned around expecting to see my colleague let's for the sake of the argument call her R.

She entered said her casual good mornings, how is it goings, how did this go and how did that go? Enough small talk. She slowly fell silent so I turned and look at her and waited.

here is the conversation that took place while she was starring at an invisible spot I am pretty sure I did not have on my carpet:

R: Hey, listen I was wondering if you have some stash on you? You know the one you gave me last time?

Me: Sure, you know I am always ready, how much you need?

R: You see there is a slight problem I do not have the money on me just yet but I promise I would get it to you soon and you know me i a.....

Me: "I looked at her in silence and said": Listen R, you know I really like you but this is a business and I go through a lot of risk in doing this to do it for free if you catch me drift.

R: Yes I know but I promise, I will..

Me: No R sorry No Money, No Honey.

R: Please I really really need this I am going through shit you could not believe and without this I do not know if I could pull it through

I looked at her and I could see how hard it is for her to do this, I know the cracked voice, the inability to look to your talker in the eye, the tension in your hands, the trembled fingers but nothing I could do if it went around I am giving out stash for free I would go out of business which I need not to mention will probably be caught and in prison the last thing they care about is cracked voice and trembling hands I believe its even considered a plus there.

I looked at her and saw she is still waiting for me reply but I stoned my face and harshly summered my answer in one word.

"NO"

She said okay and quietly left and left me thinking about the duality inside, back in the days when I was not who I am now I would never turn someone away when I had what he needed but not anymore I changed I am not the person I used to be I believe the dealer in me is WINNING and I am not very proud of it.