Me Vs. The Dealer

Okay, Been standing in the smoking room minding me own business when I noticed one of my female regulars keeps on going back and forth between her desk and the smoking room without entering the smoking room itself meaning she is either checking on someone there or just have a habit of walking this two minute walk everyday for four times in a row, if i were a betting man I would bet she is checking on me since I am the only one there. Okay I finished my smoke went to the office and before I even hang on my jacket there was a knock on my door I turned around expecting to see my colleague let's for the sake of the argument call her R.

She entered said her casual good mornings, how is it goings, how did this go and how did that go? Enough small talk. She slowly fell silent so I turned and look at her and waited.

here is the conversation that took place while she was starring at an invisible spot I am pretty sure I did not have on my carpet:

R: Hey, listen I was wondering if you have some stash on you? You know the one you gave me last time?

Me: Sure, you know I am always ready, how much you need?

R: You see there is a slight problem I do not have the money on me just yet but I promise I would get it to you soon and you know me i a.....

Me: "I looked at her in silence and said": Listen R, you know I really like you but this is a business and I go through a lot of risk in doing this to do it for free if you catch me drift.

R: Yes I know but I promise, I will..

Me: No R sorry No Money, No Honey.

R: Please I really really need this I am going through shit you could not believe and without this I do not know if I could pull it through

I looked at her and I could see how hard it is for her to do this, I know the cracked voice, the inability to look to your talker in the eye, the tension in your hands, the trembled fingers but nothing I could do if it went around I am giving out stash for free I would go out of business which I need not to mention will probably be caught and in prison the last thing they care about is cracked voice and trembling hands I believe its even considered a plus there.

I looked at her and saw she is still waiting for me reply but I stoned my face and harshly summered my answer in one word.

"NO"

She said okay and quietly left and left me thinking about the duality inside, back in the days when I was not who I am now I would never turn someone away when I had what he needed but not anymore I changed I am not the person I used to be I believe the dealer in me is WINNING and I am not very proud of it.