The Newbie

Been seeing her for a while now and been around while she was slipping from one stage to the other, from a couple of joints occasionally to a regular daily three or four joint, then to moving to pills, then to alcohol and now to mixing everything together. 

She was always under the impression she is not a junkie she can stop whenever she feels like it and I let her live the illusion it made her feel happy so I have let her believe it. 

Now here she is sitting in my apartment feeling pissed the pills are not working fast enough and she does not feel wasted yet. Felling how the stuff is literally affecting her moods, her actions, her work, the lack or the availability of it controls her life. 

She was looking at me and I was looking at her in silence. I got up got some vodka and poured us both a drink she did not wait for me to mix her vodka cause she never liked the taste she took the shot and banged the glass on the table with the unasked question still in her eyes and yet both were silent. 

I liked her, not in a sexual sense of the way, not in the usual sense of the way I just liked her cause she was innocent even when she was doing hard core drugs and hallucinating and saying words that could make a bad mouthed guy blush, I knew she was not bad. 

She was just someone slipping and she was sitting there cause she knew that I would not use her not cause I am an angel but cause I did not feel like that about this one and do not ask me why I have used some girls for drugs before and probably will keep on doing it when there is nothing in it for me. 

I wanted to be there for her cause I know that her breaking point is coming and I wanted it to be for her in her instead in the street or in some bar who is filled with wasted guys who could not care less about her. 

She looked at me and asked for a mixed of pills that is guaranteed to send her to LaLa land I got up to the cabinet and brought her what she wanted. Re-filled her vodka shot and did not try to even mix it this time, she had the pills in one hand and the vodka in the other, she quickly sollowed them and looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked me the question I knew she would..

Her: "Hey Angel, I am junkie now right?"

I was silent for a while and could see she had tears in her eyes behind the glass door that never broke infront of me and never will.

Her: "Am I?"

Me: "Yes, F you are"

"Okay" that was the only answer I got from her, she fill back in her chair and just looked at me. and asked 

Her: "Can I crash in your place tonight?" 

Me: "Sure, I will make the couch for you."

Her: "No need, will handle it."

I headed for the door felt she needed to be alone I have been in her place long time ago, now she knows that she is hooked. She is now under the influence of the big monster that got us all. 

I felt bad and grossed from my self. I went to sleep thinking about her. Woke up the next day found the couch made, the money for the fix and a little "Thank you" note with her cracked up hand writing. I sat there starring at the note and felt numb, till now I do not know what to think or how to feel.