The Itch

I know I am guilty of not blogging for too long but things were too much in my life to verbalise them, so I preferred to have my mouth shut and just close the shell on myself to be well again.

But I am okay at least the best I could be for now.

Been having hard time getting good stuff lately since a lot of the stuff around is chemically effected. It causes a lot of damage to some people, been noticing that. A lot of people are getting side effects users should not be getting, It's newbies' signs. Something is definitely up.

I decided to check around and a lot of people seemed to share my opinion chemicals were different or somehow altered in the regular stuff.

Hence, good and clean stuff became scarce. Yes, I am a dealer and I should not care but re-accruing customers are the core of my business especially for someone who likes to keep a law profile such as myself.

For the very first time in a long time I hold the good stuff for myself and avoided providing unless I really had to. It was weird the sudden concern over the stuff got me like a mad man. The fact that I have to worry about the availability made me remember my early days and man did it affect me.

Back when you could not care less about the risks and go to places you know you could get pinched at.

Back, when you were hungry for the stuff.

It brought back a flood of memories I was more than glad that I have forgotten and it got to me. I remembered people from the old past, my very first friend who OD ed in front of me and nothing could be done to help him. People who sold me out and I sold out for dope. It reminded me of my old self, how bad things were. How drug dealers hold you by the balls and you had to act like you like it to get what you needed.

It reminded me of the itch that I lost and the sole reason for me to become a drug dealer but I never forgot as a user.

How thing never are okay and bearable without the stuff? How you feel no body understands? How everyone looks at you and just see nothing?

The mere shell we surround ourselves with. The decisions we take and how we have to live with them.