Disturbingly Normal !

Do not know where to begin except that I was feeling really low recently for a lot of reasons to be discussed here. I am not feeling great I was having intensified thoughts about really dark thoughts. It has been really more like a cycle to me. I do not feel like living, talking or doing anything. Everything done in my life is done due to the fact that its what should be done. Some would say just do what you want but the problem is I do not feel like I want anything absolutely nothing.

Every where I look I see something that could happen and then I would cease to exist. Even in the bathroom the picture of the tub and the dark red water filling it always comes to mind. Crossing the streets to the parking lot with the speeding cars that could come and leave and there would be a bloody body on the road, the thin razor while shaving, sitting in a locked running car in a closed space.

What would happen? Nothing.

I wonder if it is worth it? I do not know but the problem is that these thoughts have become normal in my head, disturbingly normal. I am dealing with them like anyone would deal with the need to go to the loo or have a smoke. Am I slipping? May be but again even if I am, Who the fuck Cares?

Home

Oh well Life has been shit, shit and more shit. Just got back, was in the UK visiting the family of course the trip got to me in every single and possible way. Mother just uses every single opportunity to get to me I managed to dodge most of her bullets notice most which means that some managed to get to me and settle right there in my heart right next to the old rusty wounds that healed while still infected and produces puss every once and a while. Nice picture huh.

Anyway I just missed London, the foggy streets, the smoky and crowded pubs, the rusty and broken accents of people just sitting on the bar and cracking time with their non stop completely useless conversation while eating crackers and bothering the freaking life out of the poor barman who just nodes whenever he can.
What I missed most is the beach, the sound of the small rocks on the beach while walking and sitting on the empty benches and watch the sea and the waves come and go. I remember the same sitting which I had before taking my decision to come back to Egypt. This place always is the first witness on the major decisions in my life.
It was a good change though away from my daily routine. I figured I would go during Ramadan but somehow my vacation balance and manager got me to take it a week earlier.
However upon returning to my empty apartment I felt a warm feeling in my heart. I am home, this apartment had been home for some time now. The feeling I could sit there and not talk or do anything or even play statue would not bother anyone. I do not have to be nice and social even polite. I can even play statue if I want like we used to do when we were kids.
I can be my old rough disgusting self.
This is what I missed about it, is that what home should be like?
Beats me

The Itch

I know I am guilty of not blogging for too long but things were too much in my life to verbalise them, so I preferred to have my mouth shut and just close the shell on myself to be well again.

But I am okay at least the best I could be for now.

Been having hard time getting good stuff lately since a lot of the stuff around is chemically effected. It causes a lot of damage to some people, been noticing that. A lot of people are getting side effects users should not be getting, It's newbies' signs. Something is definitely up.

I decided to check around and a lot of people seemed to share my opinion chemicals were different or somehow altered in the regular stuff.

Hence, good and clean stuff became scarce. Yes, I am a dealer and I should not care but re-accruing customers are the core of my business especially for someone who likes to keep a law profile such as myself.

For the very first time in a long time I hold the good stuff for myself and avoided providing unless I really had to. It was weird the sudden concern over the stuff got me like a mad man. The fact that I have to worry about the availability made me remember my early days and man did it affect me.

Back when you could not care less about the risks and go to places you know you could get pinched at.

Back, when you were hungry for the stuff.

It brought back a flood of memories I was more than glad that I have forgotten and it got to me. I remembered people from the old past, my very first friend who OD ed in front of me and nothing could be done to help him. People who sold me out and I sold out for dope. It reminded me of my old self, how bad things were. How drug dealers hold you by the balls and you had to act like you like it to get what you needed.

It reminded me of the itch that I lost and the sole reason for me to become a drug dealer but I never forgot as a user.

How thing never are okay and bearable without the stuff? How you feel no body understands? How everyone looks at you and just see nothing?

The mere shell we surround ourselves with. The decisions we take and how we have to live with them.

High As A Kite

Been feeling down lately without no apparent reason, you know when you feel you are out of the mood but you do not know what the hell for, that was Me. Was barely going through life just from and to work.

But last week heard that an old friend of mine is having a house party and he called me up and invited me said "We have not seen each other for ages". Which he was right about Have not seen this guy in almost three years so I dressed up went to the party and it was the typical house party. I mean the party thrower did not disappoint alcohol everywhere, couples or people who just met are making out in the corners or in plain sight they did not care. I sat there sipping my beer and though that I have been having my daily fix for quiet some time with the amount that keeps me looking sober and functioning for work related purposes I have not gotten wasted in a while I mean really got high in long time and remembered the feeling. Had a fix on me which I thought I would probably sell in the party but I took it and sat there and waited for the magic dragons to start flying and they did not disappoint in a matter of an hour with the drugs in my system and alcohol I am drinking I was wasted and high in a manner I was not in some time. 

I was seeing blurry people and hearing the noise and voices coming from afar. I felt like there is nothing that could make me happy and nothing could make me sad, I felt nothing I felt like I am standing over a fence of a twelve feet building and have a breeze on my face and seeing people from a far. It felt good to not be responsible for anything or anyone. Not how it looked, sounded, or felt. I could not care less and I was glad.

I slept right there on my friend's couch and woke up on the cleaning lady gathering the bottles from around me I got up had a splitting headache of course. Got out side got in a cab could not be bothered with driving right now will probably get my car later. I got into my apartment crashed on the bed and slept like a dead fish for 9 hours. 

It has been a while since I was kite high, been a while. 

The Newbie

Been seeing her for a while now and been around while she was slipping from one stage to the other, from a couple of joints occasionally to a regular daily three or four joint, then to moving to pills, then to alcohol and now to mixing everything together. 

She was always under the impression she is not a junkie she can stop whenever she feels like it and I let her live the illusion it made her feel happy so I have let her believe it. 

Now here she is sitting in my apartment feeling pissed the pills are not working fast enough and she does not feel wasted yet. Felling how the stuff is literally affecting her moods, her actions, her work, the lack or the availability of it controls her life. 

She was looking at me and I was looking at her in silence. I got up got some vodka and poured us both a drink she did not wait for me to mix her vodka cause she never liked the taste she took the shot and banged the glass on the table with the unasked question still in her eyes and yet both were silent. 

I liked her, not in a sexual sense of the way, not in the usual sense of the way I just liked her cause she was innocent even when she was doing hard core drugs and hallucinating and saying words that could make a bad mouthed guy blush, I knew she was not bad. 

She was just someone slipping and she was sitting there cause she knew that I would not use her not cause I am an angel but cause I did not feel like that about this one and do not ask me why I have used some girls for drugs before and probably will keep on doing it when there is nothing in it for me. 

I wanted to be there for her cause I know that her breaking point is coming and I wanted it to be for her in her instead in the street or in some bar who is filled with wasted guys who could not care less about her. 

She looked at me and asked for a mixed of pills that is guaranteed to send her to LaLa land I got up to the cabinet and brought her what she wanted. Re-filled her vodka shot and did not try to even mix it this time, she had the pills in one hand and the vodka in the other, she quickly sollowed them and looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked me the question I knew she would..

Her: "Hey Angel, I am junkie now right?"

I was silent for a while and could see she had tears in her eyes behind the glass door that never broke infront of me and never will.

Her: "Am I?"

Me: "Yes, F you are"

"Okay" that was the only answer I got from her, she fill back in her chair and just looked at me. and asked 

Her: "Can I crash in your place tonight?" 

Me: "Sure, I will make the couch for you."

Her: "No need, will handle it."

I headed for the door felt she needed to be alone I have been in her place long time ago, now she knows that she is hooked. She is now under the influence of the big monster that got us all. 

I felt bad and grossed from my self. I went to sleep thinking about her. Woke up the next day found the couch made, the money for the fix and a little "Thank you" note with her cracked up hand writing. I sat there starring at the note and felt numb, till now I do not know what to think or how to feel.

The Call

Yesterday decided to stay home smoking and doing absloutly nothing useful, listening to music and sitting idly tried to read, don't feel like it, tried to watch the tube not intersted, so here I am sitting doing nothing but smoking and sipping on some good old scotch.

Suddenly like in the movies, my cel. rang it was a ringtone I have not heard for a long time that I have almost forgotten that I have, that ringtone meant one thing, this was a long distance call cause the caller is Mummy Dearest.

I starred at the cel. for a while before I picked up after the cold hellos and how you doings and the whole nine yards, she was silent there was something off about her voice I know my mother we might have fallen apart but something grave has happened or about to.

I asked what was wrong and she said that her husband passed away. I was silent, noticed how I said husband cause that person is not my father he is my step father the man my mother decided to marry after my father passed and that we had a long history together that I am not particularly feeling like saying it at the moment.

She then said as I was silent:

Mother: Well, aren't you going to say anything?

Me: Like what?

Mother: Oh come on this man treated you like a son for 7 years and you have nothing to say when I tell you he is dead.

Me: That man never considered me as a son so let's just clear the crap,  as for his death I am sorry that you fee sad about him.

Mother: SORRY THAT I FEEL SAD ABOUT HIM!!!!!!!!! You sound like a God damn machine are you using again? You are.. right? I knew this stuff is going to ruin you eventually..

Me: Whatever Mother, let's not go there

Mother: This is a human being you lived with and you don't find it odd that you are not remotely sad he is gone.

Me: No, I don't.

At this point she was crying I could understand her pain and how she felt about him but that does not mean I have to weep for the bastard. Anyhow, she tried pulling herself together and went again.

Mother: So when are you coming?

Me: Coming where?

Mother: Coming where!!!!! Aren't you going to attend the  burial and the funeral service.

Me: No.

Mother:  I can not believe you I feel I do not have a son anymore...... etc

I could give you the entire details for the conversation that lasted 40 minutes but I guess you got how it goes. I do not feel bad that this person is gone no feelings what so ever wether good or bad. He was there now he is gone.

Rest in peace or Rot in Hell, nothing in it for me.

I know this post would sound cryptic to most but had to say it out loud. May be someday I would say the entire story may be not.  Anyhow, Off I go.

Me Vs. The Dealer

Okay, Been standing in the smoking room minding me own business when I noticed one of my female regulars keeps on going back and forth between her desk and the smoking room without entering the smoking room itself meaning she is either checking on someone there or just have a habit of walking this two minute walk everyday for four times in a row, if i were a betting man I would bet she is checking on me since I am the only one there. Okay I finished my smoke went to the office and before I even hang on my jacket there was a knock on my door I turned around expecting to see my colleague let's for the sake of the argument call her R.

She entered said her casual good mornings, how is it goings, how did this go and how did that go? Enough small talk. She slowly fell silent so I turned and look at her and waited.

here is the conversation that took place while she was starring at an invisible spot I am pretty sure I did not have on my carpet:

R: Hey, listen I was wondering if you have some stash on you? You know the one you gave me last time?

Me: Sure, you know I am always ready, how much you need?

R: You see there is a slight problem I do not have the money on me just yet but I promise I would get it to you soon and you know me i a.....

Me: "I looked at her in silence and said": Listen R, you know I really like you but this is a business and I go through a lot of risk in doing this to do it for free if you catch me drift.

R: Yes I know but I promise, I will..

Me: No R sorry No Money, No Honey.

R: Please I really really need this I am going through shit you could not believe and without this I do not know if I could pull it through

I looked at her and I could see how hard it is for her to do this, I know the cracked voice, the inability to look to your talker in the eye, the tension in your hands, the trembled fingers but nothing I could do if it went around I am giving out stash for free I would go out of business which I need not to mention will probably be caught and in prison the last thing they care about is cracked voice and trembling hands I believe its even considered a plus there.

I looked at her and saw she is still waiting for me reply but I stoned my face and harshly summered my answer in one word.

"NO"

She said okay and quietly left and left me thinking about the duality inside, back in the days when I was not who I am now I would never turn someone away when I had what he needed but not anymore I changed I am not the person I used to be I believe the dealer in me is WINNING and I am not very proud of it.

Peeps in my Crowd

Sexual Favours

Was a fucked up weekend been wanting to go out for a while but was not in the mood for it believe it or not through out the previous weeks I was like Ouzie and Harriet from work to home unless there is a stash problem and hence my dealer would come in. But I was bored and needed to go out called a bunch of my hanging out friends and figured where they were going to meet and decided to drop by. 

It was a bar near by then I got dressed and headed there. I arrived like an hour and a half later from the time they said they are going to arrive. Said my hellos and sat there ordered my drink and sat there with half attention following the subjects on the table this side is talking about the bang one of them had recently and how he liked how the girl handled him while the other side was talking about scoring and how the 7ashish was not that good. 

I decided to sip on my drink and sat there focusing my attention on an invisible spot across the room. The music was some how a familiar tone and then I had this feeling that someone is checking me out I turned my head to see this girl checking me out. I looked at her and she did not look away, not the shy type I see. I got out my smokes pack and decided to smoke one she approached me with an unlit cigarette and leaned forward for me to light it for her which of course I did not disappoint she sat right next to me and introduced herself to be the friend of a friend of a girlfriend's friend so you got the picture.

I sat there following her non-stop talk and giving the right "Umms" and "Ahas" she was drinking like a fish that was like her fourth screw driver if I was not mistaken and she looked she was quiet wasted too. She looked at me and said that she knew I am the guy to talk to about pills and I quietly nodded I knew it would probably come down to this. I put my hand in my pocked and got out a small plastic bag with a collection of pills which she took eagerly as if you are offering candy to a four year old. 

In a while of course the girl was all over me obviously she wanted to settle the score the only way she could and paying was not one of them I played a long and all of a sudden after a while she stood up or at least tried and asked me if I lived near and I answered yes. She got her bag and told me to go there. I went along with the idea..

I woke up around 4 in the morning with her by my bed side and me having a hazy picture of our sexual encounter. I got up headed to the balcony in my boxers and T-shirt smoking my ciggi. I drifted back five years behind to be exact..

I remembered her presence, her face, her touch and everything about her. How I wanted to be better for her, how I wanted to be good enough for her. How she was the only thing I wanted more than drugs. How I was her first like she was mine. How we cuddled afterwards, how I wanted that night to last forever. 

How she looked when she was walking away for the last time, how sad it is to watch someone you love walk away knowing that she will never come back for no reason but cause you screwed up. How you are not meant for good things. How it is going to be you and drugs 50 years from now and you would be a wrinkly old man with nothing but booze and drugs in your life.

I looked back at the girl lying in bed sleeping and how she would probably not remember anything about tonight.

She woke up in the morning while I was still in bed she looked at me while getting dressed trying to remember my name which she did not not remember correctly anyway. She got out of the bed told me she would call me then remembered she did not have my number so she wrote her number on the mirror with a red lipstick and blew me a cheap kiss in the air. She left and as soon as I heard the door closed I got out of bed smeared the red lipstick all over the mirror stumbled back to bed closed my eyes and fell in a deep sleep.

The Real Deal

Okay yesterday found out that I am almost out of stash meaning that a trip to the wholesaler is at order although I totally dread that errand but it is something that can not be avoided if I wanted to keep in business. Anyhow I got into my car and headed towards the area I will not name that district but let's just say that it is an area that people avoid to go to around night time.

I parked in my usual spot and got out of the car and headed to the torn down building at the far end of the street, after a few steps two guys came out of the dark and cut me off. 

I could see that they are just kids but the expression on their faces and the shinny blades in their hands suggested that they are a lot of things but kids is not one of them. They asked me in a sharp tone what business do I have here and I quickly stated my dealer's name they looked at each other and quickly but thoroughly inspected me and then the taller one told me that he got arrested yesterday in an ambush on Cairo / Alex desert road. 

I felt disappointed what am I going to do now I thought to myself and the image of my daily fix came to mind and the agonizing feeling of craving started eating my inside. I looked at them and asked them if there is anyone I could talk to. The silently looked at me and one of them ushered me to follow him. We took some twisty dirty alley and entered a two story half torn down house into a shady poorly lit apartment. We entered and one of them disappeared into a room and the other just stood there as if his only purpose in life became to watch my every move. I did not mind I was into a lot of thing but actually playing smart with these guys was not one of them not if I wanted to have funeral sooner rather than later.

I found a young man coming out of the door followed by the kid who got me there. He looked no older than 21 and his face was marked by a tall scare that start from his eye brow to the left side of his jaw. He inspected me again and asked me what do I want. I answered quickly with my request that included a large amount of heroine and some 7ashish and morphine. He looked at me and said that this is quiet a lot and is going to be quiet costly. I shook my head and said that money is not a problem. He ushered to the kid again and he got inside and in a matter of minutes he came out with every thing I asked for. I started putting my hand in my pocket but that guy suddenly jumped me and took my hand out of my pocket I was frozen did not know what did I do wrong. The guy actually jammed his hand into my pocket and got out the money. He looked at the money and then at me and gave me the money back. 

I was surprised I thought that this was going to turn into a mugging which I would not have done anything about I am out numbered not to mention in their nightbourhood. He told me that in such cases sudden movement are not favorable specially in first deals. I apologized and quickly counted the amount he want and put it on the table. I gathered the stuff and looked at the guy while counting the money then he nodded as a sign that it is okay for me to leave. I got out of the house followed by the two kids and went straight to my car. I turned around to see where are they and thank them may be give them some petty cash but they were gone the same way they appeared suddenly.

I got into my car and drove straight to home as walking around with such a big quantity is not exactly a smart move. 

Now here I am sitting putting the doses into small baggies and getting ready to go to bed after having my fix. Feeling glad and lucky I got out of there alive. This is the real deal about drug dealers these guys could kill you and bury you where you stand they do not mind, even cops avoid going there cause they know they are going to be outnumbered, going there is like writing someone a cheque with your life and getting it back when you get out if you managed to get out again.

The Sudden Test

I was sitting in my office drinking my morning coffee when I found a knock on my door there entered one of my regulars / colleagues he looked so edgy with his sloppy clothes, his half shaved beard and his messed up hair. I got out his regular fix and handed it over to him, he paid and turned around to leave when I found him hesitant he seemed like he had something to say. He turned back at me and here is the conversation:

Him: Did you know that they are going to do a random / sudden drug test soon?

Me: Yes I heard about that..

Him: And what are you going to do?

Me: Well I got it covered.

Him: I do not know what to do, I am so busted if I take that test I am going to pop up positive for sure. Do you have any idea when is it going to be?

Me: No, I believe thats where the word sudden comes in.

Me: "I looked at him in silent waiting for him to say whatever he wants to say"

Him: Can you help me out?

Me: How can I do that?

Him: ya3nee you get me covered the same way you do to yourself.

I looked at him his stressed out face, his shaky hands, the circles around his eyes and how he has "I am doing something illegal" practically stamped on his forehead and knew that he can not do it the same way I do, it required cockiness and uncaring both qualities he does not have.

Me: I do not think you can handle it.

Him: Oh but I do not have any other choice If I got busted I am going to loose everything.

he collapsed on the chair and put his head between his hands and I felt bad for him he looked so disparate I slowly said

Me: Listen I can help you out, but you have to promise to get your act together or we are going to be in deep shit.

I knew what I was doing was a bad move but I felt that I have to help the guy but I was worried that if this was busted I am going to jeopardize myself and all my regular customers within the organization.

Him: "His face actually brightened" Yes, I promise you man anything you ask for.

I sighed for a second and started walking him through what will be done. He nodded and we agreed on everything.

Till now it has been three days and no test let's hope that they were just keeping anyone with something to hide on their toes, even if it was the real deal let's hope we pull it through or yours truly is going to be in real shit. 

How can A drug dealer be a softy?? beats the hell out of me!!!

The 411

I have been thinking about doing this for some time now and I finally took the decision, Let's blog so here we go. Let me introduce myself I am a bad person plain and simple I once was a good human being who cared and had a genuine interest towards the human condition but not anymore. Few years back I was caught in the grip of drug addiction and it did not let go of me up to this very moment.

I have seen some bad times and some good times, some ups and some lows was in bed for months and then gave up all together on the idea of quitting. Do not have the image of your average everyday junkie in your head on the contrary you would never guess I am on something even when I am flying with the pink dragons in the sky. I am a very together young man who the ladies might refer to or think about as a good prospect of a husband or a boyfriend. I dress well if not better than a lot of people, I speak properly and in a very presentable manner. My mother is British woman who is originally French so my features and physical appearance are acceptable if not appealing, I have the kind of face that is trustful although it is not true.

Anyhow however knows me well must know that I hate needing anyone or for anyone to have the upper hand over me and hence my habit situation put me in a not so favorable situation I found myself obliged into solving the problem and hence I found a new side gig which is becoming a dope dealer myself in order to have an infinite supply of drugs and it has been going since then. I do not know why I am saying all this but felt like giving whoever is reading the 411 about me. So in a nut shell this is it and this blog is sort of the journals that I never have. Let the talking begins.

Even angels Fall